Running On Empty

Disclaimer: This is probably an overly negative, short-sighted view of life right now, so if you have stumbled upon this and normally get my email updates, I decided it would be better not to send this out to everyone and appear to be complaining for attention. So, lucky you…you’ve found it anyway! You may just want to skip this one and move on to a more positive update :) Maybe one of those will be coming in the future…

I have been miserably failing at keeping the blog updated lately, but this may be for the best. I’m not sure I want to look back and remember every little detail of how life has been lately. It’s basically been a blur of crying, whining, spankings, diaper changes, and very little sleep. There are usually a few good moments that happen each day, but for the most part, we are not having fun, and I usually end up wondering multiple times a day, “What in the world have we done?” Things were going so smoothly with one kid, and now we have totally ruined everything. Not that I am unhappy we have Savannah now, but having her has certainly upset the apple cart, so to speak.

I thought Brooklyn was getting a little bit better in her adjustment to being a big sister, but I think it’s actually getting worse. The day usually starts off horribly because she is now waking up most days between 5:30 and 6 AM. This means she is tired right off the bat, and the whining and crying begin from the moment her feet hit the floor. She refuses to go back to sleep in the mornings now; before Savannah was born, Brooklyn usually woke up between 6:30 and 7 AM, and she’d usually crawl in our bed and at least snuggle and sometimes even fall back asleep. Now, she refuses to get in our bed because she sees Sister in there. But, she can’t entertain herself or fix herself breakfast, and she doesn’t want Daddy to do anything for her (if it’s a morning where he’s home), so that means I have to get up with her every time. It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t getting up with Savannah at least 2 or 3 times a night to nurse. I’m just plain exhausted when I have to start my day at 5:30 or 6 AM and I’ve already been up multiple times throughout the night. I have tried moving her bedtime up and back, and neither one seems to change what time she wakes up in the morning. She still takes a good afternoon nap on most days, but even when she sleeps for 2 or 3 hours in the afternoon, she wakes up whining again. I’m so sick of it.

Being so tired makes it really hard to be patient with Brooklyn too. I know she is upset that she’s not getting as much attention as she used to, but I’m doing the best I can. She’s not making it any easier on me though by telling me things like “I want waffles for breakfast” and then when I go to get a waffle for her, she says, “No, I want cereal”. It’s always, “No, I want x,y, or z”, and it changes 50 million times. It is beyond frustrating. I usually give her the benefit of the doubt and let her “change her mind” once or twice, and then after that it’s tough luck. She gets what she gets. I’m just sick of her playing these silly games. Tonight, I was trying to sing to her while I was tucking her in bed, and every time I would start to sing a song, she said, “No, I don’t want to sing that one.” Yet, she wouldn’t pick out a song that she DID want to sing. Finally, I got fed up with her, gave her a kiss, and left the room. And she cried herself to sleep. That sounds terrible, but at this point I don’t even feel bad about it. I feel like almost every interaction we have with her right now is a negative one. “Don’t do this, don’t do that, etc.” And I hate that it’s that way, but I don’t know what to do about it. I try to give her as much positive attention and spend as much time with her as I can, but it’s a little difficult when I’m holding or “wearing” Savannah almost all day long. There’s virtually no “Brooklyn and Mommy” time where Savannah isn’t present. And I offer to read books to Brooklyn and play with her, but all she wants to do these days is watch Lion King or Finding Nemo. And honestly, that’s the easiest thing anyway because at least it keeps her occupied and quiet for an hour or so. But, I feel guilty to leave her in front of the TV for too long. I just don’t even know what the solution for her is, but I’ve just about had all I can take…

Savannah is now 6.5 weeks old, and she seems to be getting a little less fussy during the day. She is still on Zantac twice a day. I’m still not sure that it’s really helping her, but I figure it’s not hurting anything to just keep giving it to her for a few more weeks. On the recommendation of several people, I took her to the chiropractor twice last week, and we are going back for a 3rd time this coming Friday. I was very skeptical that it would do any good, but she really has seemed to be more content while she is awake the past few days. She has also been crying a lot LESS in the car, which has been really nice. Usually, first thing in the morning, I can set her down in the bouncer long enough to eat breakfast and/or get dressed for the day. As the day goes on, she wants to be put down less and less. One day last week, I ended up wearing Savannah in the Boba for at least 6 hours over the course of the day. My shoulders were sore that night! That’s about the only way she’ll nap during the day though is to wear her in the Boba or swaddle her and hold her…and I can’t just hold her most of the time because I need my hands free to entertain Brooklyn. If we could get her sleeping in her crib, life would be a lot easier, and Brooklyn would probably be happier too. Maybe we will get there one day.

Just for kicks, and so that I can re-read this if I ever get the crazy idea that we might want to have ANOTHER kid one day, here is a recap of our day a couple of weeks ago:

June 1st-2nd, 2015:

8:45 PM – Tuck Brooklyn in bed

9 PM – Feed Savannah, change diaper, put on PJs

9-10 PM – Savannah cries

10 PM – Travis finally gets her to go to sleep in the Boba; Mommy goes to sleep

11:30 PM – Travis and Savannah come to bed

1:30 AM – Savannah stirs; feed Savannah & change diaper

2 AM – Put Savannah in crib

4:30 AM – Savannah stirs; feed Savannah & change diaper

4:50 AM – Brooklyn wakes up and comes into the nursery crying just as I’m about to put Savannah back in crib; Travis gets up and drags her to our room

5 AM – Savannah goes to sleep in crib; Brooklyn in our bed

6 AM – Savannah wakes up; Travis goes and gets her and brings her to our bed

6:45 AM – Travis gets up to get ready for work

7:30 AM – Savannah stirs; feed Savannah (Brooklyn still sleeping)

8 AM – Savannah and I try to get back in bed; Savannah starts crying as we get into bed & wakes Brooklyn who wants breakfast fixed yesterday

8-9 AM – Fix breakfast for Brooklyn and me; Savannah hangs out in bouncer; give Savannah her medicine

9 AM – Brooklyn watches Daniel Tiger while I get Savannah to sleep; takes 2 tries but she finally goes to sleep in her crib; has been asleep for 10 minutes in her room when Brooklyn goes and opens her door; when I tell Brooklyn not to go in there, she starts screaming and crying and wakes Savannah; can’t get Savannah to go back to sleep in crib

9:15 AM – Put Savannah in Boba; get Brooklyn ready; put shoes on

9:45 AM – Pull Brooklyn in wagon down the street (Savannah in Boba); then play in backyard

10:30 AM – Savannah stirs; go inside and feed Savannah; try to entertain Brooklyn for a few minutes

11:15 AM – Mom calls; both girls crying

11:30 AM – put Savannah in Boba

12-12:30 PM – Brooklyn and I eat lunch

12:45 PM – Brooklyn takes a nap

1 PM – Savannah and I take nap on couch

1:30 PM – Savannah starts stirring

2 PM – Feed Savannah and change diaper

2:20 – Savannah starts crying and spits up 2 or 3 times; wakes up Brooklyn

2:30-2:45 – All 3 of us are crying

2:45 – Send Brooklyn to her room to go back to bed; major tantrum ensues (Savannah still crying)

3-3:10 – Try to get Savannah to sleep in crib; no luck

3:15 – Get Savannah to sleep in swing

3:20 – Brooklyn comes out of room; never was asleep

3:30 – I sneeze and Savannah wakes up and starts screaming in swing

3:30-4 PM – Unsuccessfully try to get Savannah to go back to sleep

4-4:45 PM – Savannah in boba – still won’t go to sleep; Brooklyn plays in the backyard

5 PM – Feed Savannah and change her diaper; Travis gets home and puts Savannah in Boba; she cries for a few minutes before finally passing out

5:30-6 PM – Eat supper (leftovers)

6-6:30 PM – Clean up kitchen and make Travis’s lunch for tomorrow

6:30 PM – Give Brooklyn a bath

7 PM – Clean up the rest of the house

7:15 PM – Take a shower (finally!)

7:30 PM – Brooklyn’s bedtime routine

7:45 PM – Tuck Brooklyn in

7:50 PM – Clip Savannah’s fingernails while she asleep in Boba (Travis wearing)

8 PM – Give Savannah medicine/change diaper/feed

8:30 PM -11 PM – Savannah cries, we finally get her to go to sleep, and then we all crash

Makes me tired just re-reading that! And since that week, I’ve pretty much stopped even trying to put Savannah in her crib at night. She just won’t sleep in it longer than an hour at a time, and it’s not worth it to me to be woken up in the middle of the night to go get her. I’m too tired right now to be getting woken up even more than I absolutely have to be. Unfortunately, having her in our room means I hear all of her noises anyway, and when she starts stirring I feel like I need to go ahead and feed her so she won’t wake up Travis, even though she’s not fully awake herself yet. So, neither situation is ideal, but we’re making the best of it.

I just don’t know how many more weeks of this I can take before I’m just done. I feel like trying to get anything done these days is just a waste of time. I’m too tired to do it. I haven’t cleaned anything in our house since Savannah was born. If Mom hadn’t cleaned our bathrooms and vacuumed a couple of times, the house would really be in bad shape. It’s bad enough as it is. I’m doing good just to get the laundry done. Other than laundry and dishes, everything else has pretty much taken a backseat. When I get a “free moment”, I jump at the chance to take a nap rather than clean or do something “productive”. Oh well. I guess life will get back to normal at some point. I just hope this isn’t the “new normal” that everyone talks about, because if it is, I might just cry…

So, that’s how I feel about life right now. Pretty negative. I know we’re blessed with two wonderful girls, but man. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel of exhaustion…because I’m not seeing it???