Giving Up?

Imagine.

Just imagine that you are really thirsty. But, instead of drinking water through a straw, you decide to go outside, grab the hose and turn it on full blast, and point it straight in your mouth. You try as hard as you can, but you can’t possibly drink the water as fast as it is coming out. You gulp and swallow, gulp and swallow, gulp and swallow, but you can’t catch your breath. Eventually, you start swallowing huge gulps of air and get choked. You start squirming away from the hose and waving your arms around, struggling to breathe. Finally, you give up and start crying because of the pain and frustration.

Now imagine that you are the one holding the hose and pointing it full blast in someone else’s mouth. You watch them squirm and struggle, gasping for air. They are choking and crying, and water is going everywhere. They can’t keep up with how fast the water is coming out.

Not a pretty picture.

That is basically what it is like when I am feeding Brooklyn. But, unlike a garden hose, I can’t just turn the flow down. I have been “blessed” with an abundance of milk that comes out way faster than she can handle most of the time. A lot of feedings end in Brooklyn giving up after a couple of minutes because she swallows so much air and gets choked multiple times. She ends up screaming hysterically and refusing to eat any more, even though she isn’t full. Sometimes I can’t even calm her down she is so upset. She ends up hurting which hurts me too. It is a horrible feeling to watch your child choking and crying, knowing you are the one responsible for it. But, even though I’m responsible for it, I can’t do anything about it. It’s a hopeless feeling. Usually, I end up just as frustrated and upset as she is.

Nursing is not supposed to be this difficult. I have tried almost every trick in the book to help it go more smoothly. I have held her in every possible position (other than standing on my head..haha!). I’ve tried pumping a little bit first and not pumping first. I’ve tried feeding her when she’s asleep and when she’s wide awake. I’ve tried feeding her on a schedule and feeding her on demand. Block feeding, cluster feeding, feeding on one side at a time…everything. Nothing has really helped. I’ve even tried pumping and feeding her from a bottle, and she won’t take it. Even calling the lactation nurses at the hospital and trying their suggestions hasn’t done any good. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard “it will get easier”, but to me, it seems like it’s only gotten harder lately.

Sometimes I feel like I can’t do this anymore. I can’t count the number of times I’ve wanted to quit breastfeeding in the past few weeks. I don’t consider myself a quitter, but I’ve been more than ready to throw in the towel. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing my mind from the stress of feeding her and analyzing what I can do to make it better. Last night, I started crying before I even tried to feed her because I was so nervous about how it would end. At least, if I quit now, I can save my sanity. That’s got to be worth something, right?

Well, yesterday, I finally decided to pray about it. Isn’t that horrible? I had to get that desperate before I would try talking to God about it. I don’t know if He cares whether I breastfeed Brooklyn or not, but I know He cares about me.

^{6 “}Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, ⁷ casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” ~1 Peter 5:6-7

I guess part of being humble is knowing your limitations. It’s knowing when you can’t change a situation because you don’t have the power to. It’s knowing how small you are compared to God. I can’t make breastfeeding any easier, but God can if He wants to. So, I’ve been praying that He will help Brooklyn eat better, that I’ll have more patience, that I can hang in there until it gets easier.

I’m not giving up yet. Overnight and this morning, we’ve had several good feedings in a row. No choking or crying…what a relief! I actually got teary at 2 AM because I was so thankful that Brooklyn ate well. Maybe it’s just a coincidence, but I’m choosing to believe that it was God. I desperately needed just a small glimmer of hope, and I’ve gotten it. I think I can hang on for a little while longer. Who knows how things will go from here? We may go back to more gulping, choking, and crying. I’m not naive enough to think that our problems are totally gone for good. But, I’m not ready to quit just yet either.

Now, for some pictures from the last week…

Well, it’s almost time for Brooklyn to eat again. I’m hoping for another good feeding like the last few have been!! We can do this…we can do this…we can do this…